Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
