Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
