I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
