shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
