Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
