I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
