I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
