Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
