Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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