Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
