I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I stole a fireplace last night.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Can vaginas get frostbite?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
