I got chris browned last night
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
