I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Randomize
