I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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