I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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