she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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