youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
