i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
