remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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