this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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