What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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