3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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