So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
