Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
