There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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