When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
