So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
