I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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