you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
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