FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
