This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
