you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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