i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
