It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
