Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
