yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
