You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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