I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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