I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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