Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
