Got a toothbrush?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
