I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
