she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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