You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Every concussion has its silver lining
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn