DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
That's an oxymoron.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out