im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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