hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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