so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
