It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
