Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize