I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
