omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
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i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
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When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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