you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
