Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize