I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
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When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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