There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Is Oprah even human
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
