marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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