theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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