Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
