my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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